Is coming out as Asexual really coming out?

This was a question I asked of myself around 18 months ago.

I was early on in my personal realisation that I was indeed Asexual (Ace), and I was trying to figure out what all that meant for me. Because up to that point I had only understood attraction, and specifically sexual and romantic attraction, through the lens of my own relationships. Which as anyone else who grew up in the 80’s and 90’s knows, we weren’t talking about sex and gender in anything like the way we are today! So, conforming to what everyone else was doing at that time was pretty much my experience of sex education.

It wasn’t until more recently, in my work as an Inclusion coach, that I really started to examine aspects of human identity more closely, including my own understanding of gender identity, gender expression, and sexuality. And, for the Grey’s Anatomy fans out there — this was my Erica Hahn “glasses” moment, and I could finally see the leaves on the trees. I was Asexual. Great!

But what the heck did that mean?!

So, I did what any confused person might, and I assumed I was still the same old me but without the sex. Easy.

Except I wasn’t.

Something in me felt different. But what to do about it?

I had a massive internal battle with imposter syndrome — “am I Queer enough to be Queer?!”. If I start showing up in LGBTQIA+ spaces, will I be taking energy away from the real LGBTQIA+ people? Will they see me and call me out for not being good enough to be “out”.

It took me a long time to realise that being ace is not just “straight minus sex”. It is a sexual orientation in its own right. The way I experience attraction is different.

In fact, it was only 2 weeks ago that I realised when other people describe someone as “hot” it can mean more than they are simply a good-looking person — who knew?! (well not me it turns out!)

So… now I knew that I wasn’t attracted to people sexually. Okay. But I also knew that I liked forming relationships with people and developing emotional connections. I just didn’t do this through sex. Huh. So how the heck was I doing this then?

Enter my realisation that while I was Asexual, I was not Aromantic. In fact, I was Panromantic. It didn’t make a difference what gender a person was for me to form a romantic emotional connection with them. And I was reminded that when I was younger the only way I could describe my obsession with comedian Suzy Izzard (known as Eddie Izzard at that time) was that I “fell in love with her brain”. I felt totally attracted to her because of… her! And I yet I had zero desire or fantasy for anything beyond that.

Okay, but how does this relate back to the “not the same as straight without the sex” thing?

You see, I was starting to understand all the complex ways in which we humans form bonds with one another, and the connections I thought I was building through sex I was actually building in other ways. And so, for me to say, just carry on in the same way but don’t have sex felt like it created a void in my existence. Like I was still playing by someone else’s rules.

And this wasn’t good enough. I am not less than, or broken, or strange. I am whole, and complete, and pretty amazing tbh, even without knowing what sexual attraction feels like.

Being Ace is not “straight minus”. And it’s also not in keeping with the rules of the game that we have to play to conform in society. We’re not the robotic, cold, or loveless siblings in LGBTQIA+. We are proud. Joyful. Loving. Awesome. We’re literally Ace!!

So, is coming out as Ace really coming out? Yes. It is.

We’re not the same but less.

We’re different, and equal, and beautiful because of it.